So it has been awhile since my last post. There are reasons….of course there always are. I am trying to figure it all out myself. Seems that my mood and my attitude could use some serious work. I have been freaking depressed. Depressed, tired and just feeling old in general. I feel like something is lacking. I am just not happy with myself. It seems that no matter how many pounds I lose or how many goals I reach I am just not satisfied. I cannot help but to read others blosg and postings and compare my life to theres. I am not a perky 25 year old that go out and run 15 miles just for fun. I am also intelligent enough to know that everyone has problems. It is just hard to remind myself of that. I have a lot of great things going on in my life, I am soon going on a great trip and have some new exciting challenges at work. But that is hard to remember sometimes. I find very difficult still to control my eating and change my habits. This extreme intensive program has been going on for over a year and I am just simply getting tired. To be honest I feel ugly. I look at myself and pick my self apart. Really most days nothing is right. I can make a full list of all the things about me that I hate. I see my reflection and only see the frizzy hair, the lines in my forhead, the wrinkles around my eyes. It doesnt help that I had to take time off….as a matter of fact an entire week off from my workouts and running this week. I was having some pretty intense pain in my hip so I felt it was best. I also needed the time off to really think about what I want. What I REALLY want. Do I want to continue with what I consider to be extreme running and training. Do I want to get a handle on my eating and my still bad habits? Am I prepared to do what it takes no matter what? Can I mantain the schedue required to do this? The answer is YES! Yes I can and I will. I have made a commitment to run the 1/2 marathon on Sept. 25th and that is what I am going to do. And I am going to do it well! I will stick to my training plan without letting up. Now let me be clear. That does not mean that I am still not feeling depressed, tired, ugly, and fed up…because I am. And I am going to try and work on that to. I am afraid that is going to take a whole lot more than the training for the 1/2 but I want to feel happy. And this past week without the workouts..I have not felt happy that is for sure. So I am now on a mission. And I don’t plan on stopping. I have come to far to give up on myself. I am in charge of my own destiny. I am not prepared to give that up.
How can I give up on this??? 🙂