Here’s a huge surprise I don’t know what week and day of my 1/2 marathon training it is. Geez unless I have a calendar next to me at all times my mind seems to be way to mushy to figure it out. So from here on I will not be reporting this is blah blah day of blah blah week. Due to my utter lack of readers and interest by the blog reading public I am pretty sure nobody really gives a rats you know what anyway!
So that being said I think I can move on. I am feeling a great amount of ANXIETY. Oh I know surprise surprise. BTW thank you Dr. Miller for that standing prescription for Xanax. Anyway the cause of this mucho anxieto is of course the same as always. Tomorrow I have my long run. My first 10 miler. I get so upset all week long I think about it and make myself literally sick with fear and dread. Why do I get so nervous?? Honestly I don’t know. I just came from driving the route I will be taking thru the metro parks and I feel like I am going to throw up (or cry) or both. WTF? I reason with myself and say what is the worst that could happen??? I can’t run the entire thing and maybe I have to walk some? Umm ok. Well I tell myself that is ok but due to my apparent mental illness I don’t believe myself. I guess I want to succeed soooo badly and at all costs that if I fail it’s like life & death. Hello McFly…running is suppossed to relieve stress not cause me to have a cardiac arrest due to the stress. Geez I wish someone could tell me they feel the same. No one has ever told me that they feel anything like this kind of anxiety prior to running. Last week I did 8 miles. So I know that is possible. I don’t know why I doubt my body or my determination to make the 10 miles this week. I really do want to cry. I think the chances of me actually going crazy is actually pretty good! I am sure my family especially my husband will be stunned by this news. Maybe it’s the good old fashioned fear of failure. Between the weight loss and my quest for fitness at 40 I am so afraid to fail that I am putting so much pressure on myself I am just waiting to crack. Like I might implode. I should be really really happy and feel very accomplished at this point. But I don’t. And that is sad and scarey.