and on and on. That is what it feels like…one big film loop over and over and over. I have not figured out how to jump off this track. I am talking about binge eating and self sabatoge. Why after all of this time and all of the work, sweat and tears do I continue to hurt myself. I have done things in the last 48 hours that I know better!! HELLO!!! I KNOW BETTER. Dammit. Why? Why? Now my binging is much different now than it was before my surgery. But it is still a binge. Now instead of eating fast food and stuffing myself with everything I see I might have just 1 small brownie and it might take me 2 days to eat it, but I know that I should not have it. Not only is it bad for me and I need to learn how to deal with things differently and not with food, but the possibility of it making me sick is not enough of a reason for me not to push it and try to eat it. I went on purpose to the store to get a sweet. What the F am I doing?? Not only is it ruining my diet but my excercise and running program. Eating junk is not going to help me be at my best and have an optimal performance in this upcoming 10K. Actually that is what partly promted the binge. I went and drove the course for the race and I was overwhelmed. I got scared and nervous. Even though this past Saturday I did 5 miles and felt like I still had a little in me…I got really really scared going over the course. I also had some words with the hubby that didnt help. Really funny thing is I tried to eat a healthy low cal dinner and it made me sick…I could not get it down but 2 hours later I could sure get down a brownie. Whats up with that? I really cannot believe that I am even sharing this on my blog. This is something that I would not dream of admitting to anyone. Maybe I can consider that progress that I am willing to actually put it out there. I don’t know. I was weak and let my determination waiver. It scares me that I could easily fall back into that eating pattern. It is not what i want. I don’t want to let an occurence turn into 2 days and then 3 days and then 4 days and so on. It really is dangerous for me. I am a food addict. My goal with this blog is to be real and honest so I hope this helps me. I am sooooo frustrated. If there is anyone out there who may come across this and who might have any advice for me please please let me know. I can use all of the help I can get. FRUSTRATION! my new F word.
And it goes on… June 30, 2010