and on and on. That is what it feels like…one big film loop over and over and over. I have not figured out how to jump off this track. I am talking about binge eating and self sabatoge. Why after all of this time and all of the work, sweat and tears do I continue to hurt myself. I have done things in the last 48 hours that I know better!! HELLO!!! I KNOW BETTER. Dammit. Why? Why? Now my binging is much different now than it was before my surgery. But it is still a binge. Now instead of eating fast food and stuffing myself with everything I see I might have just 1 small brownie and it might take me 2 days to eat it, but I know that I should not have it. Not only is it bad for me and I need to learn how to deal with things differently and not with food, but the possibility of it making me sick is not enough of a reason for me not to push it and try to eat it. I went on purpose to the store to get a sweet. What the F am I doing?? Not only is it ruining my diet but my excercise and running program. Eating junk is not going to help me be at my best and have an optimal performance in this upcoming 10K. Actually that is what partly promted the binge. I went and drove the course for the race and I was overwhelmed. I got scared and nervous. Even though this past Saturday I did 5 miles and felt like I still had a little in me…I got really really scared going over the course. I also had some words with the hubby that didnt help. Really funny thing is I tried to eat a healthy low cal dinner and it made me sick…I could not get it down but 2 hours later I could sure get down a brownie. Whats up with that? I really cannot believe that I am even sharing this on my blog. This is something that I would not dream of admitting to anyone. Maybe I can consider that progress that I am willing to actually put it out there. I don’t know. I was weak and let my determination waiver. It scares me that I could easily fall back into that eating pattern. It is not what i want. I don’t want to let an occurence turn into 2 days and then 3 days and then 4 days and so on. It really is dangerous for me. I am a food addict. My goal with this blog is to be real and honest so I hope this helps me. I am sooooo frustrated. If there is anyone out there who may come across this and who might have any advice for me please please let me know. I can use all of the help I can get. FRUSTRATION! my new F word.
Grin June 28, 2010
Saturday was Day 6 of Week 2. I did a 5 mile run in the Cleveland Metro Parks with a time of 1:03:56. I was totally ok with that. I was so damn happy just to make it the entire way and I actually had some extra energy at the very end. As soon as I figured out that I was getting close to the end I was just grinning. For 2 reasons the f irst being that I was almost done. The second being that I actually did make it without walking at all. That is one thing that I have done since day one with my running. All the way back to January when I could only do short distances at a time. I never have allowed myself to stop and walk. My goal is no matter how far or how hard I keep running. I may be slow but I keep going. I trudge along. I have a 3 mile run that I need to get in tonight still. So I have to make this post brief. I am stoked for the 10K on July 4th. I have faith that I can complete it. My time is not important at this point. Completing it is what is important. On a sad note a young woman from the WLS community on you tube passed away after complications from her recent gall bladder surgery. Very sad that over the last year she has lost 200 pounds and done so well and changed her life for this to happen. It is so sad. She wanted to change and ultimately save her life by losing the weight only to have this happen. This is something that I know I will think about often. RIP Ali.
Ahhhhh June 23, 2010
Week 2 day 3. Well this morning I did another 4.3 mile run. I really cannot lie, it was still tough. But I got thru it (barely). My run began at about 5:30am just as the sun was coming up. It really was a glorious morning. The sun was so big and bright. I got back home and jumped in the shower to get ready for work. By the time I stepped out of the shower I had came up with a plan and convinced myself the best thing to do would be to call off of work and go to the pool! Eureka! What a great idea. And that is exactly what I did. It felt so good to swim and stretch out my tired muscles. It truly was one of my best decisions as of late 🙂 I just came home and cut up some watermelon and cantalope. Hubby and I have steaks to grill for dinner and life is good. This really is summer. We have a storm moving thru now, but it’s just enough to cool things down. I feel like a nap is comin on. Ahhhh.
WEEK 2 June 21, 2010
Day 1 of week 2. This morning was dare I say….easy. That is in comparison to what my long run on Saturday was. When I say a “long” run it kind of makes me giggle because well to most 4.3 miles is not really a long run. But to me it felt like a lot longer than the average 3 – 3.5 miles I have been doing. And I should say that it was HOT out! The good news is that I motored thru it! So hip hip hooray for me. Anyhooo….so unknowing to me as I did my run on Saturday my dear dear husband saw me running as he was driving to get his morning coffee and muffin. So when I arrived back home he let me know that I have poor form and a very short stride. I did not really welcome his comments at the time, but I did listen. So on this mornings run I really tried to pay attention to having good form. I also tried to extend my stride and let my arms really push me forward. I think that it did make a difference and it will be something I will work on. If anyone has any tips please let me know as I would welcome them. As far as my stride goes well I do have a very short stride, I am 5′ 2″ and have short legs. I don’t know how to improve on that. I also know that I need to focus on picking up my feet. When I get really tired it seems I am barely picking them up. I am thinking about doing a local 10K on July 4th. It actually is perfect timing as my scheduled run for that day is 6 miles. I am baffled that I actually am not only following thru with this but I am getting excited to reach new goals that I set for myself. And seriously who knew that I would ever get such a charge out of going to Dicks Sporting Goods and buying a new pair of running socks and a Clif bar!
Today is….. June 18, 2010
week 1 day 5 of the half marathon program. And it was a day “off” from running. Not a day “off” from aches and pains however! I have been running at least 4 days a week since January, how in the H E double hockey sticks can I still be sore? WTF? Seriously it’s a mystery to me. Every time I vary the route or roadsurface I get sore in a new place. Anyway tomorrow is 1 mile longer so I am sure to be a bundle of joy after that! This morning on my way to work I set my odometer on my car to see just how far 13.1 miles really is. Ohhhh my was I suprised. It seems so overwhelming! My new mantra “I think I can I think I can I think I can…..” chugga chugga chugga CHOO CHOO!
And so it starts…… June 16, 2010
Hello! It seems that this is the week for change! I am looking forward to it for sure. This is my first “blog” so I think patience is in order. I want a place to post my thoughts as well as record my excercise and food goals. This week is the first week of training to do a half marathon! Yup thats right a HALF MARATHON! Who would have thought it one year and 90 pounds ago. I have come a long way. I always hated running, but now I have a love / hate relationship with it. I did my first 5K on May 15th and finished at a respectable 37 minutes. So now I am on to bigger and better!! 15 weeks of training for the Half marathon on September 25, 2010. I think I am scared!